Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Major Life Changes

I think that I need to make a few things clear since I pulled some skeletons out of my closet for the world to see. My life is much different now that I am older. I have learned to cope with life struggles in a more positive way. I have started making a point to look at the brighter side of life. I started using much better language. (Notice I deleted the post that had obscene language.) It is because I have gained respect for our heavenly father. If you read these poems from my dark past you will notice I was very disrespectful and didn't seem to believe he didn't exist. This was because my struggles seemed so bad to me that I didn't WANT to believe. Everyone was saying to me "its God's plan" and it seemed cruel. I would rather believe he didn't exist than hate someone I was raised to love. When I finally stopped rebelling and turned back to God to ask for help, he was waiting with open arms. He sent me a great group of people who help me stay sane.

I felt I had to dig up these skeletons for my readers, though, to show my progress. I am currently writing a blog about my life today to give insight to people with depression, and I want them to see my writing at its darkest so they can appreciate my lighter, encouraging writings of today. I will add more of my darker poetry that is appropriate language wise. I am not worried about offending people with the language as much as I am worried about harming my relationship with God. I have worked hard to get where I am today and even though I cannot delete the writings from the past, I can keep them hidden in the journal where they originated.

If you are interested in reading my other blogs they are in my user profile.

That is all I have to say for now. Have a great day.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005


I hate life
can I have a knife
to slit my wrist this time
I know that if I end my life
Id be commiting crime
but im tryna end this strife

dont give me a blade
cuz my arm will get laid
and my best friend betrayed

I would be ashamed
cutting to me is now so lame

But Im addicted
it makes me feel wicked
and Im so tempted

the bad deeds from the past
haunt me at last

someone help me fix my mind
I dont know if we got much time

but ill hold off as long as i can
juss walk up behind me and grab my hand
and walk me through this troubling time
hold me close
comfort me
thanx for the help it was lovely


With lotz of emotional feeling
my insides need lots of healing
in the time that this may take
you may notice every mistake
but look beyond that pretty please
it seems that lately my happiness is only a tease
my whole life I have been being abandoned
it makes me feel unwanted
on the deck of life Im stranded
why cant I be saved by a sexy super-hero
not with super-powers
but super-emoa guy or gurl to understand me perfectly
us showing eachother love
would work out beautifully

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Silent Cryz Hurt More

I cut myself
and it dont matter
cuz silent cryz hurt more
I coudlve bled to death
and i dont care
cuz silent cryz hurt more
I hate the pain
I really do but
silent cryz hurt more
I didnt feel it
I felt whats inside
cuz silent cryz hurt more

someone please
juss take it away
i really am
going insane
but im going to where
ive already been
i dont believe in god
but my whole life is sin

it has been since the beginning
from incest to cutting

I know youre worried
but please dont be
cuz silent cryz hurt more
youll be mad
and ima cry
but silent cryz hurt more
atleast the tears will come to my eyes
and it wont feel like my eyes will bleed
cuz silent cryz hurt more
I could lose you as my friend
It would feel like the world did end


cuz silent cryz hurt more

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Im Lost

Im hurt so bad
My heart is bruised
I feel like I have been being used

By family and friends
all over the world
Im once again
this lost lonely gurl

I dont know if Im loved
I dont feel like people care
I feel like Im in the way
these emotions I cannot bare

I am so uncontrolably lost
If I do something wrong
I guess Ill jus have to pay the cost

better times

I have no life
I have no soul
my heart is usually very cold
well that is how things used to be
but now my soul is nearly set free

I have great friends that I like to see

No more suicidal attempts
no cutting
juss crying
is how my sadness is spent

So if your worried bout me
Id juss like you to know
Im too attached to this world
Im not ready to go

I cant sleep forever
if I cant sleep all night
juss the thought of death
gives me huge fright

Im not gonna be
one of deaths little toys
I dont love my life
but I wont be
one of deaths kind of joys

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Dry Cry

My eyes are dry
I'm crying deeply on the inside
and no one seems to care

Moms keeping me away
from people I love
running away Im tempted to dare

I'm sad and I can't cry
I feel like I am going to die
So much bad news
what is it I'm supposed to do

my lifes like one big joke
why dont god juss let me croke

oh wait
he doesnt exist

why cant my eyes have even a tiny mist

so misery is bringing you down
so youre taken me with you
juss becuz youre sad
dont mean I have to be too

I thought you loved me
you shouldnt drag me down
to feeling blue